Kefka Goes to the Mall
by thefemaletriad
Summary: Finding himself in need of a cologne for tonight’s feast, Emperor Gestahl asks Kefka Palazzo to do him a favour: buy him the Golden Chocobo Cologne, the most refined cologne ever to be in existence.
1. Kefka's Special Talent with Children

**Chapter 1 : Kefka's special talent with children**

He left the complex and headed to the streets of Vector, searching where the cursed mall was. Gestahl had told him the shop was named Final Fragrance. What kind of crappy name was that, anyway? He didn't care, as long as he found the perfume, cologne, whatever it was.

People stared at him as he walked. It was not every day you saw a clown-like mage wandering the streets. Not when all the population wore simple, everyday clothes.

He crossed to the other side and, after walking two more blocks, found the mall. The doors automatically opened and he entered. Immediately, he felt the cold air of the air conditioner refreshing him from the boiling weather outside and moaned of pleasure.

A child of no more than 2 years came running towards him, obviously drawn to his colorful attire. It began to stare at him happily, trying to catch his attention. He turned his head to his right and saw two women smiling tenderly at his feet's direction. He looked down and saw the little tyke there. He never really liked children.

"You want attention? Go ask your mama. I can't give you any."

He tried to shoo the kid, but it grabbed his cape and was dangling from it as he tried to walk. Losing his patience, he cast Firaga on the child and a little amount of crisp now replaced it.

The two women screamed of fear and ran away while he laughed hysterically.


	2. He Gets a Bonus in the Shop

**Chapter 2: He gets a bonus in the shop**

He tried to use the elevator, but it was crowded. He waited for it to arrive again. As he stood waiting, a lot of people had begun standing next to him to wait as well. They all threw glances at him and wondered if he was a children entertainer.

The elevator arrived and people took too long to leave it. He cast a little fire in his hand and warned them to hurry or everyone would be burned. They panicked and ran as much as they could out of there. He entered and saw the waiting crowd did not wish to follow.

"Are you sure you don't want to come?"

They shook their heads in terror and he pressed the button to the 3rd floor.

……………………………..

Arriving at the store, not before having stumbled on little children who crossed in front of him without looking, he saw there were only female sales people.

"Good."

He used his masculine charm as he addressed one of them. The young woman was startled seeing a guy dressed like that enter the shop, but hid her surprise under a polite façade.

"I was wondering if you have a cologne everyone is talking about…"

"Which one?"

"Uhm, well, the name starts with G, I think…"

"Golbeza's scent?"

"Geez, no! Does that exist?"

"Yes, and frankly, it's quite a success. We've sold a lot of units."

That was shocking. Who on earth wanted to smell like Golbeza? By the way, how did he smell? Never mind.

"Well, I'm not looking for that one. It's, uhm…"

He pretended he tried to remember.

"There's the Golden Chocobo Cologne, but it's quite a luxurious one."

Now that was interesting.

"Indeed?"

"Sure. Only our most refined clients buy it."

"Well, this one is what I'm looking for. May I have a look at it?"

"Sure. Follow me."

'I'd follow you anywhere.', he thought, not being exactly romantic about it.

The woman showed him the cologne. The price was quite high, but Gestahl had given him enough money to buy it. He said he'd take one and asked her to wrap it as a gift, so that he could stay around her for a little longer.

"So, tell me, how many people come in here to buy this?"

"Last month I think there were about a dozen customers. This month there hasn't been much demand; it seems people will wait for Christmas to start buying again."

"Hum. This is quite a new mall, isn't it? When did this shop open here?"

And he continued his talk with the sales woman. Unaware to him, Cloud was gazing at his direction from the corridor.


	3. Can’t I Take a Leak in Peace?

**Chapter 3: Can't I take a leak in peace?**

Kefka left the shop quite satisfied with his purchase and even more after getting that woman's telephone. He carefully placed it inside his pocket (the telephone, not the cologne) and was ready to leave when he felt an urgent need to pee.

He bumped onto a dwarf and forgot to apologize, not really turning to look at it again and then asked a cashier where the gentleman's bathroom was. He pointed the direction to him and he thanked him, marching toward it.

The dwarf followed him.

…………………………………………

He entered and there were at least three toilets in use. He waited until one of them was emptied and rushed toward it, opening his zipper as fast as he could. He was finally able to relieve himself and didn't even notice Cloud was by his side, staring into the funny face he made of pure bliss as he enjoyed that moment.

A big black muscled guy tried to leave the bathroom, but the way was impeded by a small blue-eyed blonde boy. He apologized for almost hitting the tyke with his knee and the boy stood aside to let him leave. Then he entered and another guy who also noticed him there asked if he got lost. This was obviously no bathroom for children.

"Thanks, but I'm fine." He answered in his youthful voice. "I just came here to settle a score."

And with that, he advanced a few steps and stood directly behind Kefka. Cloud recognized him and watched him with interest.

"SO!" he addressed Kefka's back, "You're not only a stupid jester, but you also have no respect for children, motherfucker?"

The entire bathroom heard that young boy's loud voice, which echoed and reverberated inside the cubicles. Everyone had stopped what they were doing to gaze at the kid.

Cloud just couldn't believe how foul-mouthed he was. I mean, if you looked at him, he was the cutest kid you could imagine…one would never judge by the boy's appearance.

Kefka distractedly looked at his left and saw Cloud standing there, gazing backwards. How come he hadn't recognized him as soon as he entered the bathroom?

He noticed he was the center of attention and felt uncomfortable. He nervously closed his zipper. He turned around and saw none other than the Onion Knight standing there glaring at him. It now came to him he was the dwarf with whom he had collided.

"How the fuck did you –ARE YOU STALKING ME???"

"I'm going to wipe the floor with your face next time you hit someone without apologizing!"

The crowd in the bathroom admired the little tyke's stoutness.

"Watch your mouth, your little pest. Or I'll teach you how to respect the elder!"

He pointed at Kefka.

"Elder? Screw you! You're the one who doesn't know what respect is in the first place!"

Kefka saw this was going to be a complete waste of time. He'd better solve this soon with a well- cast Firaga or Blizzaga.

"Very well. You want to fight? Come on, I'll fight. But you'll regret it for the rest of your miserable life!"

The Onion Knight drew his sword and Kefka had a ball of ice ready in his hand. Then three men came out of nowhere and grabbed him by his collar and threw him out of the bathroom. Apparently they supported the Knight.


	4. Moving Staircases Are Treacherous

**Chapter 4 : Moving staircases are treacherous by nature**

He stepped on the moving staircase and looked at the other side, to avoid staring at the dumb, happy people who ascended, always laughing for no reason. Suddenly, the cape around his neck tightened horribly and the stairs stopped abruptly. He was thrust forward and someone fell on top of his butt. He was being choked and harassed. Both at the same time.

He removed the cape from his neck and looked at it; it had been caught in the empty space on the side of the stairs. He tried to pull it and he heard a noise of something being torn. It was his cape.

He was irritated beyond belief and shouted curses out loud, scaring all women in the vicinity. He looked like an angry clown, which made him look ten times more threatening. Losing his temper, he blasted one of the mall's chandeliers using a powered-up Firaga. The mothers were frightened and instinctively held their children. Kefka climbed the stairs fuming and didn't see who came from the right. He and the girl stumbled and fell.

………………………………………….

She got up ready to apologize, but turned away as soon a she saw who it was. Kefka cursed as he strove to get up and dusted his clothing. He saw a blonde pony-tailed girl walk away, wearing red attire.

"Terra? Oh, this is just my day."


	5. I Am Not a Dolt

**Chapter 5: I am not a dolt**

He went for the opposite direction and searched for a place to buy some water. He felt quite dehydrated. Unfortunately, the cafeterias were all on the second floor. He'd have to go up again.

"I hate shopping malls.", he mumbled, feeling irritated.

He went to the other extreme of the floor and found an elevator. Cloud was waiting there – not for him, of course. He waited too, keeping some distance between them and, once it had arrived, he saw Terra was in there.

She was about to say something morally offensive to him, but he simply did not wish to confront anyone today. The day was just as bad as it was.

"I know, I'm a bastard, a motherfucking killer clown with no feelings, satisfied??? Now let me in!"

Cloud watched this reaction aghast for a second time and at a total loss of words. As for Terra, she had never seen him so pissed, so she kept quiet as he entered and pressed the 2nd floor button. He stood silently still beside her as chamber music played. Cloud was on her other side. They looked like two bodyguards escorting a young lady. Well, at least Cloud looked like one.

………………………………………

The elevator had barely moved when electricity suddenly failed all over the mall. Terra made a short whimpering noise and asked what happened. Kefka felt this was a rather stupid question.

"It's obvious what's happened, you dolt. Electricity just failed."

"There's no need to call her a dolt." said Cloud in his manly voice.

"Ah, just return to your catatonic state."

Cloud couldn't believe this guy's lack of education.

"I am not a dolt."

Kefka turned to answer her, but he swallowed. Terra's eyes were red.

"Hey, wait-wait, WAIT!"

She turned into her esper form and began attacking him. Cloud watched this with silent interest.


	6. Please Don't Tear Me To Pieces

**Chapter 6: Please don't tear me to pieces**

The elevator shook as she angrily ripped his clothes apart. Kefka held dearly for life as she showed every intent to do the same with his flesh. He held a palm in front of his face as it was screwed in what looked like sheer terror. Cloud serenely watched him being punished with the same apathetic mood.

The mage held to the torn pieces of his once beautiful attire, half-covered in its colourful remains and cowardly coiled in a small corner and watched as she apparently ceased her attack, only to begin preparing to launch her most powerful magical attack at him.

"NOOOOO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'LL KILL US ALL!"

He screamed, but he doubted she would listen. Miraculously, though, she calmed herself down. He then explained:

"Do you know what would've happened if you attacked me? You would destroy the elevator with the force of your magic and we would be then blown to bits with the force of the explosion! Gah!"

She resumed her original human form and left him alone, still gazing sourly at him. He got up and asserted their situation. Maybe if he used Blizzaga, he could freeze the doors and then blast them away using Firaga in sequence.

Not bothering to tell the two of them to stand aside, he commenced his operation.

………………………………………..

The people down below watched as he used magic after magic against the doors. The elevator was made of transparent material. You could see everything that happened inside it from any floor.

The doors were finally distorted and weakened. Kefka kicked its remains out of his way and left, not caring as to what happened to the other two. Cloud helped Terra leave the elevator and they discussed where the two would go.


	7. Kefka Also Hates Cell Phones

**Chapter 7: How Kefka deals with people who love talking in cell phones**

He decided to find himself new clothes. He didn't want to go around wearing that torn attire. He went inside a megastore and found some things that were of his taste. He paid for them and went to undress in the changing section.

As he arrived, there was a small queue. He had to wait, something which he hated, hated, HATED with all his heart. One minute had passed. What a bore.

Behind him, there was a guy who kept talking on his cell phone, annoying him with his stupid laughs. He was about to leave his place in line just to go over and shut him up, but… maybe not. A good aimed Firaga would do it. He smirked at the idea.

He turned and saw it was Tidus who was speaking on the wretched phone. The young man spotted him and told the other person to guess who he had just seen. He said Kefka's name and "that batshit crazy jester", and then asked the other person to hold in line.

He looked at Kefka and gave a sarcastic laugh.

"Who the hell did that to you,man? Did someone just give you a good beating? Or you went through a meat slicer?"

Kefka raised his palm toward Tidus' face saying: "Talk to the hand." And a tongue of fire left his palm, burning Tidus' laughing face. His face went pitch-black and his cell phone was burnt to a crisp.


	8. These Jeans Are Just Too Tight

**Chapter 8: These jeans are just too tight…**

He removed his trousers, then his shirt and then the rest of his clothes. Only the feather in the back of his head had survived Terra's attack.

"Phew. At least this was preserved."

He began changing into his new clothes, picking the yellow and red scarf to place it around his neck. Someone said "Damn." in the cabinet near his. It sounded vaguely like a feminine voice.

As soon as he put his shirt on, he tried fitting into a pair of jeans. They were suffocating his legs, butt and the rest. How could people wear this?

"Damn." Said the mysterious voice again.

He had managed to find a pair of black boots. He put them on and heard "Damn." again. The boots were too tight and he himself said damn, but they eventually fit.

He didn't recognize himself in the mirror. Apart from his makeup, ponytail and feather, the rest was not him. He didn't think he would ever grow used to dressing like this. Anyway, this was temporary.

A woman's hand came from the other cabinet and tried to pull his feather, but it was well tied to his hair. He lowered himself and left the cabinet, offended someone had tried to steal it.

The kicked the cabinet's door open and saw Ultimecia was inside, wearing only a bra and knickers.

………………………..

"WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?" she shouted. She screamed- not called; she was too unnerved at the moment – for a salesperson. The people in the queue wondered what was going on inside there.


	9. Kefka Confronts The Dwarf Again

**Chapter 9: Kefka confronts the dwarf again**

"What the heck is this says I! Why did you try to steal my feather? And what the fuck are you doing in the men's changing section?" he asked. "Wearing only a bra and knickers?" he added, noticing.

She seemed to be formulating an excuse.

"I- I had an accident, alright? I was supposed to transport myself through time, but something went wrong and my clothes stayed behind. I found myself here with nothing to wear."

He took about a minute to compute what she had told him. What the hell? So someone was even more screwed than he was? This was just great!

He started laughing hysterically, catching everyone's attention, as they already didn't have enough. People decided to take a peek at what was going inside and saw Ultimecia in there in underwear being laughed at by a weirdo wearing a yellow and red scarf and an incredibly tight pair of trousers which showed the shape of his butt. People automatically assumed he was gay.

Scared, they called the manager.

……………………………………………

A middle-aged japanese guy with square glasses talked to them in his office.

"Alright. Who wants to start explaining first?"

Ultimecia cut through Kefka and began making up a story of how someone had stolen her clothes when she wasn't looking and left her there stranded, with only her underwear. She wore a big jacket which covered her body.

"And you, Mr…?"

"Palazzo. Kefka Palazzo. I am the co-

"Dad! I found it! I found your pen!"

"-urt mage."

A little blonde boy entered the office holding a black pen in his hand triumphantly and presented it to the japanese fellow. He kissed the boy's forehead and told him to go and play. He looked at the two people and saw they were the sorceress of time and the stupid head who had collided with him and not yet apologized.

"So, it's that motherfucker who doesn't have an ounce of respect for children!" the Onion Knight said defiantly. His father looked at his son and at Kefka.

"You honestly don't think I'm going to fight you now, as I'm solving a problem? You spoiled little brat!"

"I'm going to teach you to show proper respect!"

"As if you could!" Kefka rose from his chair, ready to fight if necessary. His father interceded and told his son to leave them.

"How can he be your father? You're white and blonde!"

"You see, Papa? That man is a racist!"

"I'm not a racist, I'm just asking-"

A dark rift had formed by his side and he jumped out of its way. Ultimecia had escaped using a time rift. Her jacket had remained behind.

"Oops. Someone is bound to realize they're half-naked once they arrive at their destination. It's just a matter of…time."

And with that, he gave one of his maniacal laughs.

…………………………………..


	10. Trying to Find Some Peace at the Café

**Chapter 10: Trying to find peace at the cafeteria**

Kefka managed to leave the office unharmed and rid of the imitation hero. He hadn't done anything wrong and got the managers' sympathy when he told how he had been viciously attacked by a young woman with scary witch-like powers in the elevator.

"This is all understandable, Mr. Palazzo", he had said and then let him go.

Kefka had no desire to meet anyone else today who could screw his day, so he searched for the most distant cafeteria in the mall, swearing as he saw Squall gazing at a shoes' shop display. Finally, he had arrived at _Kaffee Arabica_, a cafeteria located near the mall's farthest exit. It only had couples.

He saw no familiar faces and proceeded to sit on a table. He searched what he wanted on the menu and a beautiful young woman wrote down his request. He thought this was a reward for all the shit he had been through. Now, all he wanted was peace and quiet. He was distracted and didn't notice a couple went inside with a small baby in their arms.


	11. Screwing the Rest of my Day

**Chapter 11: Screwing the rest of my day**

He relaxed as he heard the music play and the smell of fresh coffee filled his nostrils. He was beginning to grow bored at how long the coffee took to arrive and thought of calling the waitress to know why the delay. Then the baby behind him suddenly began to cry.

"Ooooh, noooo, Christopher, don't cry. Here."

The mother began shaking a toy for the baby, who only cried louder.

"Perhaps he is hungry." suggested the father.

"I can tell when he's hungry. Are you implying I'm a bad mother?" she retorted angrily.

"No, I just made a suggestion. Why did you get so angry?"

Kefka massaged his forehead with the tips of his fingers, trying to control himself from causing devastation at the cafeteria due to the amounting stress. He could surely shut the baby up, but then again he would never cry again. He began shaking with laughter at his own sadistic thinking, but avoided making any noises, afraid he would scare the clientele with his characteristically booming laughter.

His coffee didn't arrive, so he decided to send it all to Hell.

He rose from his seat and looked at the couple. They slowly broke their arguing to look at him.

"Excuse me." He said in a surprisingly calm tone.

Perhaps it was the fact that he wore strange makeup, a feather on his hair and a weird choice of clothing that they were scared at him.

"Your baby is disturbing me." He said in the same even tone.

And he stood there, waiting for them to get the message, which was: they would have to leave. The couple, though, started to argue on how to make the baby shut up and Kefka lost the last ounce of his patience.

He approached his palm to the side of the table as they argued and ten seconds later it started catching fire. Once they realized what was going on, the couple screamed and leaped from their seats distancing themselves as much as they could. Kefka calmly evoked water and put the fire out. Water came immediately from the ceiling, though, showering everyone in the vicinity.


	12. You Poor Excuse of an Emperor

**Chapter 12: You poor excuse of an emperor**

He arrived back at the government and placed the cologne on Gestahl's desk. The emperor turned to look at him to ask how his day had been and his jaw dropped. The papers also fell from his hand.

Kefka was wearing the youth's fashion, something which he HATED, he was soaked head to foot, his feather was nowhere to be seen and his makeup had come out. He looked madder than ever and he wasn't smiling, which quite frankly scared him.

"So, uhm…"

'He's not going to make me that stupid question…is he?' is what crossed Kefka's mind on that moment.

Because Gestahl hesitated, he turned around, ready to leave the office, but then came the inevitable blow:

"How was your day, Kefka?"

He had gone through all that shit just to get the cursed Chocobo cologne, which seemed more like the quest for the Holy Grail and the man dared to ask him how was his day? Couldn't he look and notice he didn't want to talk about it?

"That's it!!!"

From the garden outside the office, the gardener could see Kefka casting Firaga at the emperor and laughing madly after he did so.

"WHOO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!!!"

FIN


End file.
